Hey Jenny, I Can’t Wait to Mute Your Instagram Posts

 Bless the Gram Gods for this one.

Bless the Gram Gods for this one.

Dear Instagram,

Thank you for this gift. It's not even my birthday, but I deserve this. I know I do.

Jenny, for the longest time, I've been watching you, along with my other "friends" take lavish vacations, get job promotions, get engaged, get married, throw baby showers, and then have beautiful, "calm," perfect children. They're always happy, perfectly dressed, and apparently, they're also "#blessed."

I know I sound bitter, but I'm not, I promise. I'm genuinely happy for the successes and achievements of my peers. But to require praise and accolades from people you don't even know, every single day, is bullshit. You can't be happy 24/7, and you aren’t. Let's stop lying here.

Nope, nobody's getting divorced or breaking up on your Instagram feed. If they're going through it IRL, you'll see more pics of them living their best life—ya know, since it's so necessary to show your ex and the entire world life is better now that you're single.

I thought about unfollowing you, sure. But we all know every single person has an Unfollow app that tells you who unfollowed you. And I can't care that much.

But Instagram, you have fucking saved me from many, many potential awkward encounters. I can now MUTE my own friends without unfollowing them, along with all the rest of the handles that I can't handle. 

I am thrilled to silence 90 percent of my newsfeed. Yes, 90 G-d damn percent. Unless you're a close, close friend, you're getting cut. I am not here to celebrate your trip to Cabo, or get inspired by the Gandhi quote in your caption that has nothing the fuck to do with your bikini shot. Sorry Jennifer, but buh-bye. 

If you comment and like a couple of my pics, I'll be sure to reciprocate, but that's about it, TBH.

I'm sorry, but you have accomplished very little, and you have impressed none of us with the fake followers and likes you have purchased on Hypez or GetRiver.com (you're welcome, for those of you looking).

And if you're an influencer with no agenda, nothing to sell, and nothing to stand up for—you're clearly just posting to get attention, so goodbye to you, too.

Thank you, Instagram, for finally enabling us to curate our own feeds, without the incessant and unrealistic updates of the pseudo-perfect lives that our peers want us to believe they're living. 

And for the rest of you whom I won't be unfollowing, thank you for keeping it real. For not posting 12x per day, and for understanding that while you may feel blessed, you don't need to inform us in every caption.

Sincerely, 

Your Biggest Fan and No. 1 User